Video by Nick Rasche - 05:37

My friends and I are planning a deep-sea fishing excursion for next month. I set it up yesterday. It’s a half-day trip to about 20 miles off the gulf coast, near Tampa Bay. After e-mailing my friends to give them the information, I received this reply from Andy: "I am going to catch a sword fish, shove it’s spoon bill in my butt, and masturbate with a silly hat and an eye patch."

I bet you will, buddy, I bet you really will.

I, on the other hand, will be fishing for dolphin. I swear to Christ I’m going to catch one. Then, once it’s writhing in pain from the enormous gold hook lodged in its face, I’m going to lean in and whisper in its ear, "You make me sick". That’ll show him who’s boss. Then we’ll tie a rope around his beak and take turns riding him through the open ocean. And we’ll make him take us to his dolphin village where we can take advantage of his women and pillage all the dolphin gold jewelry. Then, we take the valuable dolphin jewelry back to land where we can sell it at an outrageous profit!

But that’s just step one of this amazing scheme/fishing trip. Once we have some capital from our dolphin-jewelry profits, we hire a church group to come chant in our hotel room. Why, you ask? To summon the angels! Why do we need all these angels? Because they will make up the first level in our global beef jerky pyramid scheme! Once we get all our angels trained to sling jerky for us, they train two more, then they train two more, and eventually we’re sitting high and mighty at the top of an Angelic Beef Jerky Global Pyramid!!!!

Actually, just checked with a lawyer buddy of mine and it seems that this idea violates a great number of laws, both municipal and vatican. Oh well.

So it looks like those damn dolphins get to keep hoarding their precious, glimmering gold for another day. They would have been sooooo surprised to see us riding in there on their friend! I would have been like, "What’s up dolphins? My friends and I are just going to take all this gold from you without your permission now. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it!"

Anyway, I’m sure we’ll have fun anyway. I think we can bring beer on the boat.

This is gonna be a real fun trip, guys!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 7th, 2004 at 8:10 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.